Meet Them Like an Old Friend — Three Practices Before a Triggering Encounter

The Colleague Who Knows Exactly Where to Push

She told me she was dreading it.

Not because the team building itself was the problem. But because she already knew this person would be there.

And her body already knew it too.

So we sat with that. And I gave her three simple practices to try in the days before the event.

The Screenplay Already Playing in Her Head

The first practice was this: rehearse, in as much detail as possible, exactly what she thought would happen.

How she would walk in. What he would say. How the conversation would unfold. She wrote it all down.

And as she wrote it, something became obvious.

She was already angry.

Before the event had even happened. Before he had said a single word.

So I asked her gently: Can you see that? You are already upset — and he doesn't even know it yet.

Because that is often exactly what's happening.

We carry a version of the conversation that hasn't occurred yet, and we react to it as if it already had.

Writing a Different Script

Once she could see her own script clearly, the second practice became possible.

If she already knew, in painful detail, what the difficult version looked like, then why not also write the version she actually wanted?

So that became her homework. Pause. Take a breath.

And imagine the outcome she would genuinely like to see.

Not the one she expected. The one she hoped for.

Meeting Them Like an Old Friend

The third practice was the one that changed everything.

I asked her to imagine, when she finally saw this colleague, that he was an old friend. Someone she hadn't seen in twenty years. Someone who had simply lived life, the way she had lived hers.

And to meet him from that place — with honest curiosity.

The kind of curiosity you feel when you genuinely want to catch up with someone, not the kind that's really just ego getting ready to clash.

And if that felt like too much to ask of herself in the moment, there was another option.

She could simply be honest. She could say something like: "I'm sorry, I'm not feeling quite myself today. I might not be the best company right now."

Not performing calm. Not performing friendliness. Just honest, and kind.

What Happened When She Tried It

She called me after the event, and I could hear it in her voice before she even said the words.

She had imagined him as an old friend. And when they actually met, she truly listened to him — with real curiosity, not through the usual filter of tension.

And the conversation that followed was nothing like the one she had rehearsed in her head the first time.

She could hardly believe it herself.

Why This Actually Works

Here is what I think is happening underneath all three of these practices.

Most of the time, we don't walk into a difficult interaction empty.

We walk in carrying a script we have already written — one built from every previous version of this same conflict.

And because we expect the old pattern, we often meet it halfway. We arrive already braced, already defensive, already a little angry. And the other person feels that, even before a word is spoken.

By rehearsing the difficult scenario first, you get to actually see the belief you're carrying.

Once it is written down, in front of you, it becomes something you can look at — and something you can change.

By rehearsing the version you'd actually like, you give your mind a different destination to move toward.

And by meeting the other person as if they were someone you genuinely wanted to reconnect with, you interrupt the old pattern before it has a chance to take over.

Curiosity and defensiveness cannot really occupy the same space at the same time.

A Gentle Invitation

If there is someone in your life who reliably triggers you — a colleague, a family member, anyone whose presence makes your body tense before your mind has caught up — try this the next time you know you'll see them.

Write the scenario you're afraid of.

Notice what it shows you about the story you're already carrying.

Then write the one you'd actually want.

And when the moment comes, see if you can meet them, even for a few minutes, the way you would meet an old friend you were genuinely curious to catch up with.

You might be surprised by what comes back to you.

Wishing you a beautiful day.